It feels good to be the best. Even if I believe myself worthless often enough. In those moments I expect of myself ever more. Blaming myself for not doing more, being more, knowing more. Expecting everyone to finally recognise, that all along I have been a fraud.
But what I overlook, is that it’s not in those moments when I do what makes me the best at other times. No, that is when I am alert, engaged, interested, involved. When that feeling of unworthiness is far away. When it’s there, I’m just trying, wanting, worrying.
So maybe, it doesn’t mean I’m being a fraud after all. Maybe, there are just times when I feel insecure, scared, unloved, alone and lost.
And instead of blaming myself and expecting me to be the same as I am at the best of days, I could realise how I don’t like being in this place myself. I could give myself a hug. Tell myself how hard life is at times and that it is okay to take a smaller step.
Cause in the end, this will bring me to the good places more often. And I will not have to be scared any more when I am there. Of that darkness that is lurking just around the corner. To get me, once again.
Maybe it’s best just to try being the best friend to myself I can be. Not offer myself a coffee, when I’m as tired as now. But at blanket and a rest!